When I look at social media outlets, the pain is transparent from a strong majority of Black people. We are exhausted, weary, praying over our children, and outraged. And then, I look at the timelines of many white people who claim to be allies or friends to find mostly silence.

While navigating anti-Black racism and a global pandemic, I am taken aback by the disregard for human life and the entitlement exhibited by many white counterparts. I am appalled by the self-serving propaganda that shows up in racial justice movements. I am tired of the performative work of “white allies” who mobilize with no consideration or input from Black voices. I am frustrated by the number of organizations who are publicly denouncing racism while upholding an impenetrable system of whiteness.  And, I become completely sickened and numb by the offspring of white parents who engage in social media challenges to mock the deaths of Black men amid cries for justice.
[Note: For your self-care, do not look it up and know that it is triggering.]

The manifestation of whiteness and white supremacy culture is a serious, systemic problem. And it is a problem that requires all white families to get comfortable with being uncomfortable and talk about race.

Throughout the last few weeks, many white allies have questioned where to begin and how to engage in conversations about racism with their children. I do not think people of color should do the work for white people, so note that any framework provided (and there are plenty out there) is truly a gift. No one provided me a playbook or guide to help me navigate structures of whiteness, yet I learned (still learning) while acquiring many bumps, bruises, traumatic experiences, and irreparable scars along the way. However, due to a recent interview that omitted my narrative and specific call to white people when discussing national protests, I felt compelled to create a space for my own voice and make my points clear.

White allies: Do not take this for granted. The intent is for you to act.

Part I: Parental Work (For White Parents):

First, this work is not about you. It is about those who cannot retreat from microaggressions, discriminatory practices, prejudice, biases, and violence based on the color of their skin. Save the tears and the guilt, it is time to roll up your sleeves and get to work.

Start with Mirror Work: It is difficult to understand the humanity of others if we do not know the shaping of our own identity. We must engage in mirror work, a critical examination of self. It is imperative to reflect on how we value differences, including the messages we have internalized about people outside of our lived experiences. We all have biases that program how we respond and engage with others. If you want to understand your social conditioning and whiteness, you must learn how to deconstruct yourself.

Reflective questions for mirror work:

How do I identify myself?

Who influenced the way I see myself?

When was the first time I learned about differences?

How did my family react to people who looked different?

What messages were conveyed in my household about diversity?

In what ways have I been exposed to anti-Blackness?

What racial group(s) did I affiliate with as a child?

What is the make-up of my social contexts an adult? (e.g. workplace, neighborhood, church, circle of friends, etc.)

How do I respond to remarks steeped in prejudice and racist ideologies?

How do I show up in moments of discomfort? How would I like to show up?

What skills and resources do I need to grow as an antiracist?

How can I hold myself accountable to racial equity work?

And if you recently jumped on the racial equity train…

Why did it take the viral death of a Black man to commit to a journey of antiracism work?

Understand your own shaping. Work on you until the sense of urgency is clear and you no longer center yourself.

Acknowledge Privilege: Mirror work centers one’s humanity, yet you also have to understand how your identity influences your navigation in the world. Are you given the benefit of the doubt in any given situation? Do you have the ability to shield yourself from racial dialogues? Have systems worked to your advantage (e.g. medical, educational, etc.)? White privilege does not indicate an escape from hardships. Everyone deals with seasons of frustration, grief, and challenges- it’s human nature. However, those hardships more than likely had nothing to do with your skin color. Scholar and feminist, Peggy McIntosh, describes white privilege as the unearned assets received due to one’s social identity group. It is the unwarranted benefits that exist for simply showing up white.

Check your privilege. Model tough conversations where you acknowledge your privilege. And help your child to see how privilege operates.

Examine Whiteness: Understand the history of white supremacy culture and how it functions in society. Structures that perpetuate white privilege do not have to come in the form of a triangular hood or hate-based organizations. Whiteness can be subtle, operating in policies that disadvantage people of color, hiring practices that lend to a lack of racial diversity, or media through stereotypical images.

Study whiteness, examine it, and reflect on how to decenter it in efforts to build a world where liberation exists for all people.

Educate Yourself: There are many resources (plenty, trust me) from experts grounded in racial equity work. Read research that develops your understanding of privilege, history, the definition of institutional racism, and the structural barriers that exist for Black and Brown communities. Commit to new knowledge. Join all the book clubs and community learning opportunities that elevate conversations about race. Center voices of color, specifically Black voices to combat anti-Black racism. Manage your fragility. Experience discomfort and grow from it. This work is about your introspection leading to action. Importantly, do not make it the responsibility of people of color to connect all the dots for you. No one owes you their story and if one chooses to share, thank them and know that it is a blessing.

Find Accountability Partners: When you are learning something new, you need a space to debrief to make concepts and ideologies stick. Find people who are willing to process your reflections and questions. Work with friends who will also hold you accountable and monitor your biases as you continue to grow in your journey. Recognize that the knowledge gained must transfer into antiracist practices. Participate in simulations and rehearse how to handle racial gaslighting (e.g. Why is it always about race?). And I stress again, do not put this burden solely on people of color. Google is free too and the search engine is always open.

Part II: Collective Work (For White Parents and Children)

Now that you’ve completed some self-work, let’s talk about racial dialogues with your child.

Be Transparent: Children harbor racial biases as early as their preschool years. Therefore, conversations about race need to start early. Many Black and Brown families do not have the luxury to avoid these conversations when their children may experience racial discrimination at an early age. You do not have to possess all the answers and it is okay to tell your child that you are still growing in your understandings. Lean into the hard conversation. Model vulnerability. It may be difficult to talk about race; however, the conversation does not compare to the racial trauma Black and Brown people experience. Take deep breaths, discuss the beauty of diversity, and be clear that there are systems as well as individuals in this world who do not value one’s humanity based on the content of melanin within one’s skin. Be honest, transparent, and acknowledge systemic racism.

Identity Webs: Encourage your child to talk about their identity. What makes your child feel authentic?  Work on the construction of an identity web with your child. Name parts of your child’s identity in a graphic including race, gender, and interests. Have a conversation about the picture that paints your child’s humanity. Then, use the graphic to talk about the qualities the world assigns to people due to racism and deficit ideologies, despite what may be listed on one’s web. Read Sara Ahmed’s book, Being the Change, to assist with identity work and see examples of webs as well as guides for conversations.

Do Not Romanticize History:  If you sang “Colors of the Wind,” while completely avoiding the talk about the misrepresentation of Disney’s Pocahontas and the harmful effects of colonization, you experienced whiteness at work. Somehow, the kidnapping of a minor, sexual assault, and inhumane violence against Indigenous peoples did not make the cut so you could have all the feels. Many false narratives are portrayed as historical accounts that are taught and unchallenged.

The inaccuracies of history provide a miscued version of how the United States was built. This country was founded on inequities and systems that were intentionally designed with laws to marginalize people of color. Talk to your child and be clear that founding principles such as “life and liberty for all,” were never intended for all. America never had a “great” beginning, rather it was quite the train wreck. This is why the fight for civil rights is prevalent today.

Highlight Achievements: History books of school-aged children often highlight more stories of oppression, than the achievements of people of color. Be careful of messaging that contributes to negative typecasts of Black and Brown people. Highlight the contributions of people of color from the past and present, including youth of color. Discuss the strengths and resilience of people of color who fought for the rights of marginalized groups- especially, the work of Black women who carried movements for non-Black groups. Talk about leaders of color who were instrumental forces in social justice movements outside of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and Rosa Parks. Those stories do exist, whiteness just strives to erase them.

Social Contexts and Inclusive Libraries: If you examined your circles while engaging in mirror work and determined they were predominately white, what message is that sending to your child about who matters and who belongs? Diversify your circles. Expose your children to people of color, particularly Black people while operating in a society that overtly demonstrates anti-Blackness. Talk to your child about cultures and traditions that do not reflect their lived experiences. Build an inclusive library that shows your child images of people who do not share their racial identity. Read children’s books by authors of color. Use books to drive critical conversations. However, be watchful of texts that reinforce racial stereotypes.

Being an Upstander: Talk to your child about the qualities of an upstander, someone who stands up for justice and uses their voice to foster inclusivity. Explain how our silence sends a strong message and how it leads to harm. Your child can be a part of the creation of a just society. Talk about how we all have a responsibility to act and denounce racism as well as anti-Blackness. We cannot operate in fear. Lives may depend on one’s intervention.

Inclusive Language: Revisit your identity webs and talk about how important it is for people to honor one’s humanity. Be transparent and describe how words can empower as well as damage others. Our names matter and have value. No one deserves to be called anything that is not steeped in human dignity. Help your child to understand racial slurs, microaggressions, and how to identify hate speech, making it clear that racist language is not humane and should not be tolerated in any circumstance.

Create an Action Plan: Children can be the change they want to see; and it starts with a clear vision and roadmap. Let your child develop an action plan. How can your child contribute to the creation of an equitable community? How can your child use their voice? What can be done in this moment? Perhaps, it would include ongoing mirror work or educational experiences that deepen understandings about diversity. Allow your child to own the process and work together to grow in a journey towards racial equity.

Here’s the thing… I recognize these suggestions could be applicable to parents of various racial identity groups. However, I know from experience as well as research that racial conversations and problem-solving injustices are not unfamiliar to Black and Brown parents whose children are forced to function in educational settings that uphold whiteness. I am also well aware that prejudice crosses racial identity groups, and that some people of color buy into white supremacist ideologies and need this work too. However, my free labor was for you (white allies) to do your own work; it was not meant to spark the “What About This Person Olympics.”

Importantly, be careful about the resources you seek when striving to learn about antiracist practices. There are many articles emerging during this time to capitalize on this moment of history. However, I have come across resources that do not dive deep into structural racism, authored by individuals who are opportunistic and have no experience in antiracist education. The experts on my bookshelf all have strong backgrounds in racial equity research and social justice work, and yours should too.

This is collective work and we all have to condemn white supremacy. And for white parents, that process starts with you. Whether at the dinner table or during a car ride, have ongoing conversations with your child about race, biases, and white privilege. Lives depend on that conversation and the grooming of co-conspirators who fight for racial justice in lockstep with Black and Brown people.